We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
