Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
