i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
