We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Randomize
