Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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