oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
