I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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