Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
