It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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