Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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