Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
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Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
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It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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