"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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