I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
