Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
