maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize