guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
