I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
