One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
