Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
