True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
