someone owes me an orgasm
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
