I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
