Too much gin, very little bucket
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
worst night to have a conscience
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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