I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
