Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
