i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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