I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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