I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
