stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
