I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize
