terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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