I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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