i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
