I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
