Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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