You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I want to be your penis for a week.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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