I think I died a long time ago.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
