Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
