where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
