Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
