I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
