hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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