you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
