A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
