He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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