im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
