my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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