Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
