Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
