you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
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