i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
