My brain says no but my pants say off.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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