So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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