I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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