is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
