Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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