Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
